Brice Royer

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I’ve been asked to be on a documentary and tell our story. The filmmaker and her crew came to my house, interviewed me, and followed me around Vancouver with their cameras almost all day.

I was a bit nervous because it’s my first documentary… but I’m glad I got out of my comfort zone and shared some rather interesting, but also embarrassing stories.

They were very professional and did an awesome job.

Meeting Aga, the incredibly talented director/filmmaker

Saying goodbye to limitations, frustration & excuses

My favorite spot, the world famous LOVE sculpture by Robert Indiana

The story is about Love and turning your Challenges into Strengths.

“Where are you from?”

When people ask me that question, I just joke around and say: “My mom says I’m from heaven.”

For centuries, this small-talk question has been acceptable and a standard way to connect with a stranger. According to a recent research, there’s a 30% increase of long-distance marriages between 2000-2005 and more children and adults are traveling for work and growing up in different cultures.

For many of us Third Culture Kids, where we’re going is more important than where we’re from.

Does it really matter where I’m from?

“Asking a cross cultural child “Where is your home?” or “Where are you from?” is like asking: “Who do you love most? Your parents or your friends?” Let’s stop confusing cross cultural children with that outdated question and put it in the grave where it belongs.” – Brice Royer

“Where are you from” is like asking me: “What color is your hair?”

Let’s face it, it’s no longer the best question to form a connection with someone. For instance, I could give you some interesting facts about my life. My dad is half French and Vietnamese. My mom is Ethiopian, but she speaks several languages and grew up most of her life abroad. I grew up in 7 countries before the age of 18.

After hearing those basic facts, most people would be completely disconnected.

The fuel of connection isn’t facts, it’s Emotions

Globalization has made the question “Where are you from?” irrelevant and outdated. It’s like asking “What color is your skin and hair?” It will take you years to form a deep connection with me with that question. A better question would be: “Where did you live and grow up?” or “What do you enjoy doing?” Connect with me on my passion and values and we will have instant chemistry.

Small commonalities are important but they rarely make a lasting impression and build a deep emotional connection with people. A better way to deeply connect with me would be on my values: “Are you open-minded? Do you love diversity? Do you love helping people? ” If we share similar passions then we’ll have an instant connection.

“What is a sense of belonging? Who am I?”

I once asked a 13-year-old, Emily “What is a sense of belonging?” and she responded, “To me a sense of belonging is if I’d jump off a cliff and a friend would catch my hand and save me.”

Belonging is a perception of safety. We want to feel safe, comforted and connected.

“Where am I from?” and “Where is my home?” are outdated questions that has confused people about their identity for too long. Let’s stop confusing children with these questions and remind ourselves and the world this simple truth: Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling of comfort and security.” – Brice Royer

Why is it important to have a sense of belonging?

A 10-year study found that people with more friends were 22% less likely to die. In many studies, friendship has an even greater effect on health than a spouse or family member.

After years of talking to Third Culture Kids and adults, and studying the research, I finally realized that many TCKs don’t actually want to belong.

“Why people don’t want to belong?”

It can be scary to belong, especially if you seek freedom and novelty. To know someone is to lose yourself and freedom, because you need to be vulnerable and open up. That can be scary for some people.

Too much belonging can stiffen your individuality, not enough of it can make you ill and isolated.

“I don’t belong to any countries. I belong with people who share my values. They can live anywhere.” – Brice Royer

Why are people restless?

If you’re restless in relationships or traveling, it’s often because you value variety, novelty and diversity more than comfort and security.

Familiarity is the illusion of safety. It’s the reason why people stay in abusive relationships, continue to be restless, or never open up. Don’t be afraid of healthy change.

My Magic Formula: How to have a Sense of Belonging in 3 steps

First, you need to ask yourself “what is a sense of belonging?” and “why do I want to belong?” Once you understand that it’s a perception of comfort and safety, and why being understood and connected is important, you’ll want to follow these steps.

1. Find out who you are.
2. Find others like you.
3. Build quality relationships with them.

I’m not kidding you, that’s really all there is to it. If it’s so simple, then why do we get stuck?

Most people think they get stuck at #2. “I can’t find people like myself, it’s very difficult. I live in a small town and there’s no diversity. I don’t feel understood. ” That’s the biggest challenge for many TCKs.

But in many occasions, it’s because they haven’t completed step #1. Find out who you are.

“TCK” is not an identity, it’s an experience.

Once you understand your values, which is what’s more important to you in life, you’ll have to ask yourself some very tough questions: “What’s more important to me in my relationships? In my career? In my family?”

Make a list of all your values. You’ll begin to see a pattern, and you’ll be surprised and have very interesting insights about your behavior and decisions.

After you understand your values, you’ll naturally attract people who share them, and join events where you’re most likely meet people who value similar things — whether you value your religion, lifestyle, hobbies, or beliefs.

An important warning on discovering your values: You may discover you won’t necessarily belong with other TCKs, even if you are one yourself. In fact, you may even feel completely disconnected and different than TCKs.

I talk to a few TCKs who often say: “I don’t belong with TCKs. Yes, we value diversity, but I value my religion more than my cross cultural values and mobility experience…”

Or you’ll hear: “I don’t want to travel anymore, I want to settle and start a family.” and other TCKs may say: “I can’t live without traveling! It’s not going to work out between us..”

That’s why it’s important to discover your values.

Remember: Not all TCKs share your values.

Being alone can be a problem. Being in a relationship can be a problem too.

Years ago, I really hated being alone and misunderstood. But I realized that when you’re alone, you can have problems. When you’re in a relationship, you can have problems too. Problems never go away. We just get better quality problems.

“I don’t want problems.” you might think. Not having problems causes stagnation, and you eventually stop growing… that’s an even bigger problem.

I was a complete failure

When I was young, my teacher said I wouldn’t accomplish anything in life. Kids made fun of me because I didn’t speak English, and called me fat, ugly and stupid.

At age 19, the doctor told me I would die.

For several lonely years, I couldn’t use my hands without pain for several years. I tried everything to get better but nothing worked and I felt completely hopeless.

If you’ve ever felt like a failure, you’re not alone. I felt like a complete failure for years, and I was so confused and scared about my future.

Age 19, Brice wearing hand splints: According to research, emotions hurts more than physical pain. A lack of belonging and emotional stress of grief caused years of disability.

..but I’m still alive today and I proved everyone wrong!

I was cured of years of pain, frustration and disability after I discovered that emotions causes physical pain.

Emotions can cause or aggravate physical pain.

To be honest, I don’t know when I will die but I’m glad I’m still alive.

I eventually forgave those people who hurt me because I realized the reason why people hurt others is because they probably have been hurt too.

After I was healed, I had some doubts.

“What if the pain comes back?”

I sat down on the couch, closed my eyes, and made a promise to myself and to my source: “God, if this healing is real, then I promise I’ll devote my life to help people.”

A year later, the healing was real and permanent, and the pain never came back.

I kept my promise, quit my job to devote my life to help people who suffer from emotional pain.

But my story is only part of a larger story of other TCKs who used their challenges to help others.

Singapore TCK group

We’re all part of something bigger than ourselves. People like Claire, a community leader who recently hosted her first TCK meetup in Singapore.

Daniela Tudor, our global community leader, who flew all the way to Vancouver from Seattle to help us with the documentary.

All of us our connected by our passion to create a safe and open environment for everyone to belong, no matter where they are from.

Daniela Tudor, Global Community Organizer

Third Culture Kids want to make a difference. According to some surveys, over 75% of TCKs actively participate in their local community or in a broader network. About 47 percent of those who report volunteer activities include an international dimension, such as: participating in organizations such as United Nations Association; hosting exchange students; or translating in courts, schools, or hospitals.

We do have some urgent challenges. According to some surveys, over 26% TCKs are “not satisfied at all” with their sense of belonging. Research have shown that a lack of belonging is a key factor in depression, more so than spousal and social support.

Most TCKs are very independent, self-reliant, feel restless, and like to work alone, which makes it even more difficult to be united on a shared purpose, and the need to be work together has never been so important.

“Third Culture Kids role is to help the world transcend culture. ” – Brice Royer

I’m not saying we should all blend and become the same, because diversity of thought is incredibly important. But we also need to remember that we all have more in common than we think.

That’s what gives me hope.

I believe we will continue to be united and help more people.

Giving a sense of belonging to others changed my life, I hope it changes yours too.

Brice Royer

P.S: I have a few questions while you’re here…

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